At least you smile even if it is the slightest at the end of the conversation. Your smile made me happy now. It made me smile too. I love you. "Nightz" and rest well, the man I love.

I hate myself. I hate me now. I am in my darkest this whole time. I lose myself many times now because I lost you. I start blaming every thing around me. I hate to accept that your feelings has faded. I refused to let myself into a bigger pain. I know I am going to lose myself many more times from now, but I will try to let the brighter side of me take over. Right now as I talk to you, I feel happy. Because this is the brighter side of me. Calm, caring, understanding, loving. The side you love me inevitably. But not now anymore. But with our relationship ending, it felt like the first time when I am always so nervous and get so excited to talk to you. I was willing to stay up past my super early bed time to talk to you. Those old good times. And I still love you.

Dance is my life. Being a dancer is more than being able to dance, it's about bringing out who are you through the different emotions and movements. Nothing can stop you once you fall in love with it. "Our hearts speak through dance". 

                                                 We are one big family! #buff#love

Seniors with Mr Johnson Tay

 Selfie with Mr Tay 

 With my Vice President 2014, Mee Mee

 With my President 2014, Koh Shi En

 And, she's also my Hello Kitty! Doesn't she look like one? Hehe. 

 With my most annoying, cheeky, yet lovable junior, Odelia Chan

 With my most act cool (literally 'cold') and most act aunty junior, Rachel Ong

 This is my junior who resemles me: Black, 'tall' and same hairstyle, Shanyce

 With my most shy yet not so shy junior, Lyn

 With my quietest and the one who smiles the brightest junior, Xin Min

 With my Vice President 2014, Kai Lin

 Awwwww... My hello kitty <3 font="">

 The Old and The New

 And so, this is me trying to photobomb Natasya in a picture and I dont know why it ended up like this.. (look down)!

OHHHHHH RIGHT THERE IT'S A PUFFERFISH! 

I love MF Modern Dance and I can't stop missing them. It's a family that I will never forget. They play a huge part in making my secondary school life worthy. They are the ones whom I go through pain and tears with. The ones who are there for everybody and never leaving anyone behind despite any difficulties. They are the ones who kept me going as I was having a tough time leading this family. We worked hard together and played hard together. They are my happiness in my school life. We are all connected by the passion for dance. The desire to grow much. The flame in us will never die. Because 'Our hearts speak through dance'. 

Feelings Beyond Decription

I don't know why but i just feel so heartfelt today. I just looked up my love's Facebook, oh yes I'm stalking him. Hehe. Apparently, I find myself not minding about his past life, being good or bad, or his love life. I know he had many girlfriends before but I never mind any of them, they were still once loved by him, i respect that. :) But nevertheless, I'm very curious about who the girl 'J' is because he had never mentioned before. I think it's just interesting and it will be better to know everything about him, regardless in the past or now. I just want to be closer to him and I know through all the incidents, I will be able to understand his past and try my best to fill him and make his life much more nourishing. Everybody has their past that they got to overcome. Never I thought he will be mine. Everything is very unexpected honestly. From an eyecandy, to a crush, to being my partner, and now in the process of being the one who will accompany for the rest of my life. It's amazing how God has brought us together. No words can describe how I feel now. It's more than happiness. More than grateful. More than appreciating. More than touched.

It's feelings beyond description...

It's been more than 3 years both of us feel for each other. 3 years we've battled and fight our way through the ups and downs. Nobody can imagine how terrible our fights are. And nobody can exactly understand how we might have felt. Many atimes, we wanted to give up but maybe it's God's will that we are bound to be back together. Really. I have asked God many times to remove him if he won't be the one because we are too hurt to go on. But it's funny we never left each other and now i wonder if this is the answer to my prayer for 3 years. He may not be the ideal guy every girl wants: tall, big, rich, smart, big or etc. (Not implying that he don't have any one mentioned), but he's everything I need and everything much more than I can ask for. I know I love him when I always shy away and my heart skips that little beat when our eyes meet. Everytime I see him I see myself smiling and even when we quarrel, I see myself caring and feeling pain when I looked at him. It felt like I just fainted and died due to his charm, hehe. * inserts emoticon with heart shapes in the eyes * Love is wonderful. It's amazing what love can do to us. I don't know why I feel so much when I met him and when we are in love. He changed many parts of me. There are so many memories during this whole lifetime we are together. Till now, there may be still burdens and troubles both of us cant move on and feel hurt about (or maybe it's me), but I know I will overcome them with the prayers and God's blessed strength for me. Because if we are meant to be under God's will, it will be overcomed. It's just the matter of time. 'I love you' is not enough to express my love for him. Our love story and our memories are not opened to public (Insta, FB etc) but the ones around us know that we are together. As I'm blogging about this, there's like tears in my eyes cause I'm too touched thinking about him. I had never loved so hard and so deep before. And I'm glad I found him after failing one love story. Although I still have alot to learn about love and I'm still young, I believe we know we are in love and we are loving now.

I love you, Joshua Liao Jun Sheng. :* <3 i="">

Okay so.. Im back. Its rare for me to use my computer, since years I've really touched it, no idea why i dont like using computer. 
So here I am trying to relieve the feelings I've had today. Had a real life face-to-face major argument with him. Finally had a time to really sit down and talk to him about it. It's just something that happened during our previous break up. An incident that has bothered me for quite awhile. I'm just too understanding to keep it to myself then, felt stupid but glad we had a chance to talk things out today. Not a very fluent one cause i cant handle the emotions that ran through me. I even banged the kitchen table (OMG, what's wrong with me). Im still upset about everything. Never cried so hard, trying to bear the tears and not looking into his eyes. Wanted his hands off me cause i really hated him. 

Yet.. after the discussion (or argument), i was still not able to forgive him. What i found out was far more than what i expected. Still cant get over how stupid he can be or maybe he's just acting like one stupid fellow without his 7th sense that time. It's stupid with his denial. Stupid to have not known cause its too obvious. I will never be able to trust him like before. And her. She no longer can be the friend i can really talk to, so uneasy with her cause i know she aint an easy one. Not badmouthing now, just needa talk it here cause nobody will read it here. He's the one i thought (THOUGHT) was really somewhere near to perfect from what he claimed he was. Non-friendly to lads or he's not good at making friends, or getting near to girls. Just too naive to have those thoughts. Everything changed after that one day when things just go so wrong. Never was an easy task for me to collect all those bad feelings and to not cry and make things bad that day. To forgive, was an even bigger accomplishment to me. Now to think of it, i think i was amazing then and i hope i can be as forgiving as well, or just understanding, at least I'm sufferring alone again inside. Always lonely sometimes right. Everytime i think about this incident, i lose control about everything, my emotions and the kind me. I was not able to be the brightful me in front any others, forget about talking to my friends through phone. Whatever i do, its just way too depressing for me to handle. Nothing of this sort has happened to me throughout my life. I was so strong, and so hard to let loose of my emotions in front of others. Where has that natural smile on me gone to? It was a smile that made me who i am. A smile which everybody likes. A ready smile on me forever. It was gone, thanks to this. 

Im not happy and satisfied with all the bad changes. The main problem WAS her, and till now, sometimes her. She's just not right. The usual kind i know whom is a ___. Rare for me to call someone like that and i know i sound all evil but just let me rant. Nevertheless, still regard her as a friend. Just hope she has her own limits from now on, to him or even to other boys. If not one day when i know certain things about her ____ behavior again, i might just blow. Her actions never seemed to be right. Too much it made me felt disgusted. I mean come on, hey, i know youve got some looks and body but thats not right trying to seek attention. You think its cool and sweet having guys sent you home or having their attention on you? Jokes. No my friend. The problem is: What is your intention calling up him to tell him about your health? Getting some little pity from him? Attention? And yet, J was too blind to see (or just pretend). I never believe that there aint some emotions running through their heads when all of it happened. Why. J, you didnt even inform me about it. Who was i to you. This incident always creates doubts in me for you. Something that you can never explained yourself. And something i will never find an answer to fix with. Yes, im tearing again cause i dont know how to feel anymore.Every time you explain yourself, the more questions i will have. Just, i kept it in again. Yes. Im sorry but i think its no point asking you more and more. Cause youre going crazy and tired answering me and im just afraid you might go mad and dislike me. This incident will never be an easy thing for my acceptance and forgiveness, Im sorry Lord. Maybe you can give me some more strength and wisdom. For now, just until the day i got over it, allow me to cry sometimes to sleep and maybe let time heal me. It still feels like.. cheated i guess? Forgive me for these thoughts, i really need to get myself back. Lord, what if i can never accept and forgive them? Does it mean its best that i leave? At least it means i have no more rights to care and get hurt. But what if he was the guy meant for me and the guy i can never really stop loving? So much to think and feel.. Feeling so lost.. 

Love

It feels like I've lost everything that I once had. I was a little timid, shy, and friendly girl whom everyone would turn to when they faced difficulties. But now, times passed, and things have changed. I don't know if the change is better or worse. I've changed so much ever since I met a guy. I was attracted to him and it just seems like he's the most trustable guy who will never ever leave me. I feel secure whenever I'm with him. Feeling protected and secure, I guess the sense of it is what I really wanted ever since I was young because I'm always facing all kinds of weird problems. I've never guess that I would actually be able to meet a guy who can make me fall deeply in love at such young age. I am really grateful for him. It was my fault in the beginning of this relationship, that I reminded of his past which he had always been trying to get rid of. It was my fault to make him feel pain. Until one day, something just touched me and I realised how much I owe him. I began to change. I tried my best to change, change for him. But never will I know, that my personality has changed too. It drifted me from many of my friends. But I didn't mind, cause I love him. I gave up things, time, work, many much more than I knew. I began to fall deeper and deeper, wanting him more, needing him more. But well, as time passes, things changed. I didn't see it coming. Throughout, I compromise every quarrel, despite knowing that I'm hurt and I didn't deserve all of it. But it was love, that allowed me to give in. So.. years passed, I grew up, I understood and think more of things. And.. I realised how much I've gone through. All those hurts, they kept piling up. But I kept running away from it, thinking that I'll be fine. But I know I'm not. Heart broken. Normal I thought to myself. Everybody been through this. But he changed. I don't feel secure anymore. I just cant get over the pain. I tried to express myself, but he couldn't understand. I was upset. I have been crying myself to sleep many nights. It reminded me of who I was when I was a small little kid, so much of insecurities. He never knew, all these pain that was gradually built could hurt me so deeply. And I began to doubt everything. Promises broken, hearts shattered. People always say promises are meant to be broken. Well, for me, I don't think it this way. I feel that as long as somebody tried his best to fulfil the promises he made, it's more than enough. It's just kinda impossible to not break it, and nobody's perfect. But I guess I was really upset. Did you really see through the hurt I've been through? Did you really understand why I confronted you? You promised me you will try to mend the broken pieces back. I didn't expect it to be perfect, it can never be. Have you really tried your best? I wish you could just look through me. You said you love my voice, is that true? Because.. I no longer hear you saying that you miss my voice, or even me. You don't initiate call, or even outings. I was afraid and needed you many times in my life. But everytime I was afraid that it's irritating and yeah. Whatever. But now, you had less time for me. I could sense you urging to end the call. I didn't speak much then, but neither did you sense that I was hurt. I feel that sometimes, your life is just so much different from mine. I felt so.. left out, odd one out in your life I guess? Everything really has changed after you came. Better but now, worse. Many thoughts came across me. I doubted our love, yes, really gradually after I lost you. Maybe I should break away from this pain, I thought. But, everytime, I held on. I told myself to have more courage, to fight on further no matter how painful it can get. I had so much into him. But.. I really just wanna hand everything to God and let him decide my path now. I really want him in my future. And now I wonder if I can ever fall in love again.. ever..
I have so much to say but I don't know how to just express it to him anymore. Too lost for words when I see him. It just melts me when I saw him. Heart beating fast and faster. I can never bring myself to hurt him by any words. Neither can I afford any more hurts. I wish, the only wish. Nevertheless, I promise. I promise that I will do my best for the promises I've made to him. To be his guardian angel giving him endless support in whatever hard times, and him to be my happiness, the one who brought joy in my life still. I'm still deeply in love with him. And so I pray, I pray that God will give me the strength, courage, and a heart that would be able to compromise him and that I will be able to overcome the burden in me. And, I pray, that he is still happy. I love him.

I'm sorry but here is the only platform where I can release everything out. It's dead for quite a while so I guess nobody actually will be able to read it anymore.

You left me in this cruel world.

It's been more than a year since I updated my blog. I guess this is the only place where I can reveal my feelings. Many things happened throughout this year. It's hard. Really hard for me. And it just seems like I have no one to turn to. Everytime whether good or bad happens, I would like to turn to you. But you always turn me down. 
And now I wonder. What's on your mind. It's long since we had a long talk. There are many promises within us, incomplete. Why are you doing this to me. You know we had it all. You know what I did to hold this tight. Or do you even know? And with just one thought of yours, you end it all. Why didnt you tell me earlier. I'm like a fool all these while hoping to get us back. It's time you looked through me. Because of you, I've lost many in my life. And now that you're the only one left, you abandoned me in this empty field. Why, how, what am I supposed to do. I need go get back up alone without you and survive in this cruel world. You know the broken pieces in me. But you never knew how weak I was. Because I always have this smile readily to tell the world that no, I'm not weak I can handle this. I don't know what else to feel. It's a misery.