Okay so.. Im back. Its rare for me to use my computer, since years I've really touched it, no idea why i dont like using computer. 
So here I am trying to relieve the feelings I've had today. Had a real life face-to-face major argument with him. Finally had a time to really sit down and talk to him about it. It's just something that happened during our previous break up. An incident that has bothered me for quite awhile. I'm just too understanding to keep it to myself then, felt stupid but glad we had a chance to talk things out today. Not a very fluent one cause i cant handle the emotions that ran through me. I even banged the kitchen table (OMG, what's wrong with me). Im still upset about everything. Never cried so hard, trying to bear the tears and not looking into his eyes. Wanted his hands off me cause i really hated him. 

Yet.. after the discussion (or argument), i was still not able to forgive him. What i found out was far more than what i expected. Still cant get over how stupid he can be or maybe he's just acting like one stupid fellow without his 7th sense that time. It's stupid with his denial. Stupid to have not known cause its too obvious. I will never be able to trust him like before. And her. She no longer can be the friend i can really talk to, so uneasy with her cause i know she aint an easy one. Not badmouthing now, just needa talk it here cause nobody will read it here. He's the one i thought (THOUGHT) was really somewhere near to perfect from what he claimed he was. Non-friendly to lads or he's not good at making friends, or getting near to girls. Just too naive to have those thoughts. Everything changed after that one day when things just go so wrong. Never was an easy task for me to collect all those bad feelings and to not cry and make things bad that day. To forgive, was an even bigger accomplishment to me. Now to think of it, i think i was amazing then and i hope i can be as forgiving as well, or just understanding, at least I'm sufferring alone again inside. Always lonely sometimes right. Everytime i think about this incident, i lose control about everything, my emotions and the kind me. I was not able to be the brightful me in front any others, forget about talking to my friends through phone. Whatever i do, its just way too depressing for me to handle. Nothing of this sort has happened to me throughout my life. I was so strong, and so hard to let loose of my emotions in front of others. Where has that natural smile on me gone to? It was a smile that made me who i am. A smile which everybody likes. A ready smile on me forever. It was gone, thanks to this. 

Im not happy and satisfied with all the bad changes. The main problem WAS her, and till now, sometimes her. She's just not right. The usual kind i know whom is a ___. Rare for me to call someone like that and i know i sound all evil but just let me rant. Nevertheless, still regard her as a friend. Just hope she has her own limits from now on, to him or even to other boys. If not one day when i know certain things about her ____ behavior again, i might just blow. Her actions never seemed to be right. Too much it made me felt disgusted. I mean come on, hey, i know youve got some looks and body but thats not right trying to seek attention. You think its cool and sweet having guys sent you home or having their attention on you? Jokes. No my friend. The problem is: What is your intention calling up him to tell him about your health? Getting some little pity from him? Attention? And yet, J was too blind to see (or just pretend). I never believe that there aint some emotions running through their heads when all of it happened. Why. J, you didnt even inform me about it. Who was i to you. This incident always creates doubts in me for you. Something that you can never explained yourself. And something i will never find an answer to fix with. Yes, im tearing again cause i dont know how to feel anymore.Every time you explain yourself, the more questions i will have. Just, i kept it in again. Yes. Im sorry but i think its no point asking you more and more. Cause youre going crazy and tired answering me and im just afraid you might go mad and dislike me. This incident will never be an easy thing for my acceptance and forgiveness, Im sorry Lord. Maybe you can give me some more strength and wisdom. For now, just until the day i got over it, allow me to cry sometimes to sleep and maybe let time heal me. It still feels like.. cheated i guess? Forgive me for these thoughts, i really need to get myself back. Lord, what if i can never accept and forgive them? Does it mean its best that i leave? At least it means i have no more rights to care and get hurt. But what if he was the guy meant for me and the guy i can never really stop loving? So much to think and feel.. Feeling so lost.. 

Love

It feels like I've lost everything that I once had. I was a little timid, shy, and friendly girl whom everyone would turn to when they faced difficulties. But now, times passed, and things have changed. I don't know if the change is better or worse. I've changed so much ever since I met a guy. I was attracted to him and it just seems like he's the most trustable guy who will never ever leave me. I feel secure whenever I'm with him. Feeling protected and secure, I guess the sense of it is what I really wanted ever since I was young because I'm always facing all kinds of weird problems. I've never guess that I would actually be able to meet a guy who can make me fall deeply in love at such young age. I am really grateful for him. It was my fault in the beginning of this relationship, that I reminded of his past which he had always been trying to get rid of. It was my fault to make him feel pain. Until one day, something just touched me and I realised how much I owe him. I began to change. I tried my best to change, change for him. But never will I know, that my personality has changed too. It drifted me from many of my friends. But I didn't mind, cause I love him. I gave up things, time, work, many much more than I knew. I began to fall deeper and deeper, wanting him more, needing him more. But well, as time passes, things changed. I didn't see it coming. Throughout, I compromise every quarrel, despite knowing that I'm hurt and I didn't deserve all of it. But it was love, that allowed me to give in. So.. years passed, I grew up, I understood and think more of things. And.. I realised how much I've gone through. All those hurts, they kept piling up. But I kept running away from it, thinking that I'll be fine. But I know I'm not. Heart broken. Normal I thought to myself. Everybody been through this. But he changed. I don't feel secure anymore. I just cant get over the pain. I tried to express myself, but he couldn't understand. I was upset. I have been crying myself to sleep many nights. It reminded me of who I was when I was a small little kid, so much of insecurities. He never knew, all these pain that was gradually built could hurt me so deeply. And I began to doubt everything. Promises broken, hearts shattered. People always say promises are meant to be broken. Well, for me, I don't think it this way. I feel that as long as somebody tried his best to fulfil the promises he made, it's more than enough. It's just kinda impossible to not break it, and nobody's perfect. But I guess I was really upset. Did you really see through the hurt I've been through? Did you really understand why I confronted you? You promised me you will try to mend the broken pieces back. I didn't expect it to be perfect, it can never be. Have you really tried your best? I wish you could just look through me. You said you love my voice, is that true? Because.. I no longer hear you saying that you miss my voice, or even me. You don't initiate call, or even outings. I was afraid and needed you many times in my life. But everytime I was afraid that it's irritating and yeah. Whatever. But now, you had less time for me. I could sense you urging to end the call. I didn't speak much then, but neither did you sense that I was hurt. I feel that sometimes, your life is just so much different from mine. I felt so.. left out, odd one out in your life I guess? Everything really has changed after you came. Better but now, worse. Many thoughts came across me. I doubted our love, yes, really gradually after I lost you. Maybe I should break away from this pain, I thought. But, everytime, I held on. I told myself to have more courage, to fight on further no matter how painful it can get. I had so much into him. But.. I really just wanna hand everything to God and let him decide my path now. I really want him in my future. And now I wonder if I can ever fall in love again.. ever..
I have so much to say but I don't know how to just express it to him anymore. Too lost for words when I see him. It just melts me when I saw him. Heart beating fast and faster. I can never bring myself to hurt him by any words. Neither can I afford any more hurts. I wish, the only wish. Nevertheless, I promise. I promise that I will do my best for the promises I've made to him. To be his guardian angel giving him endless support in whatever hard times, and him to be my happiness, the one who brought joy in my life still. I'm still deeply in love with him. And so I pray, I pray that God will give me the strength, courage, and a heart that would be able to compromise him and that I will be able to overcome the burden in me. And, I pray, that he is still happy. I love him.

I'm sorry but here is the only platform where I can release everything out. It's dead for quite a while so I guess nobody actually will be able to read it anymore.

You left me in this cruel world.

It's been more than a year since I updated my blog. I guess this is the only place where I can reveal my feelings. Many things happened throughout this year. It's hard. Really hard for me. And it just seems like I have no one to turn to. Everytime whether good or bad happens, I would like to turn to you. But you always turn me down. 
And now I wonder. What's on your mind. It's long since we had a long talk. There are many promises within us, incomplete. Why are you doing this to me. You know we had it all. You know what I did to hold this tight. Or do you even know? And with just one thought of yours, you end it all. Why didnt you tell me earlier. I'm like a fool all these while hoping to get us back. It's time you looked through me. Because of you, I've lost many in my life. And now that you're the only one left, you abandoned me in this empty field. Why, how, what am I supposed to do. I need go get back up alone without you and survive in this cruel world. You know the broken pieces in me. But you never knew how weak I was. Because I always have this smile readily to tell the world that no, I'm not weak I can handle this. I don't know what else to feel. It's a misery.