It feels like I've lost everything that I once had. I was a little timid, shy, and friendly girl whom everyone would turn to when they faced difficulties. But now, times passed, and things have changed. I don't know if the change is better or worse. I've changed so much ever since I met a guy. I was attracted to him and it just seems like he's the most trustable guy who will never ever leave me. I feel secure whenever I'm with him. Feeling protected and secure, I guess the sense of it is what I really wanted ever since I was young because I'm always facing all kinds of weird problems. I've never guess that I would actually be able to meet a guy who can make me fall deeply in love at such young age. I am really grateful for him. It was my fault in the beginning of this relationship, that I reminded of his past which he had always been trying to get rid of. It was my fault to make him feel pain. Until one day, something just touched me and I realised how much I owe him. I began to change. I tried my best to change, change for him. But never will I know, that my personality has changed too. It drifted me from many of my friends. But I didn't mind, cause I love him. I gave up things, time, work, many much more than I knew. I began to fall deeper and deeper, wanting him more, needing him more. But well, as time passes, things changed. I didn't see it coming. Throughout, I compromise every quarrel, despite knowing that I'm hurt and I didn't deserve all of it. But it was love, that allowed me to give in. So.. years passed, I grew up, I understood and think more of things. And.. I realised how much I've gone through. All those hurts, they kept piling up. But I kept running away from it, thinking that I'll be fine. But I know I'm not. Heart broken. Normal I thought to myself. Everybody been through this. But he changed. I don't feel secure anymore. I just cant get over the pain. I tried to express myself, but he couldn't understand. I was upset. I have been crying myself to sleep many nights. It reminded me of who I was when I was a small little kid, so much of insecurities. He never knew, all these pain that was gradually built could hurt me so deeply. And I began to doubt everything. Promises broken, hearts shattered. People always say promises are meant to be broken. Well, for me, I don't think it this way. I feel that as long as somebody tried his best to fulfil the promises he made, it's more than enough. It's just kinda impossible to not break it, and nobody's perfect. But I guess I was really upset. Did you really see through the hurt I've been through? Did you really understand why I confronted you? You promised me you will try to mend the broken pieces back. I didn't expect it to be perfect, it can never be. Have you really tried your best? I wish you could just look through me. You said you love my voice, is that true? Because.. I no longer hear you saying that you miss my voice, or even me. You don't initiate call, or even outings. I was afraid and needed you many times in my life. But everytime I was afraid that it's irritating and yeah. Whatever. But now, you had less time for me. I could sense you urging to end the call. I didn't speak much then, but neither did you sense that I was hurt. I feel that sometimes, your life is just so much different from mine. I felt so.. left out, odd one out in your life I guess? Everything really has changed after you came. Better but now, worse. Many thoughts came across me. I doubted our love, yes, really gradually after I lost you. Maybe I should break away from this pain, I thought. But, everytime, I held on. I told myself to have more courage, to fight on further no matter how painful it can get. I had so much into him. But.. I really just wanna hand everything to God and let him decide my path now. I really want him in my future. And now I wonder if I can ever fall in love again.. ever..
I have so much to say but I don't know how to just express it to him anymore. Too lost for words when I see him. It just melts me when I saw him. Heart beating fast and faster. I can never bring myself to hurt him by any words. Neither can I afford any more hurts. I wish, the only wish. Nevertheless, I promise. I promise that I will do my best for the promises I've made to him. To be his guardian angel giving him endless support in whatever hard times, and him to be my happiness, the one who brought joy in my life still. I'm still deeply in love with him. And so I pray, I pray that God will give me the strength, courage, and a heart that would be able to compromise him and that I will be able to overcome the burden in me. And, I pray, that he is still happy. I love him.
I'm sorry but here is the only platform where I can release everything out. It's dead for quite a while so I guess nobody actually will be able to read it anymore.
