So here I am trying to relieve the feelings I've had today. Had a real life face-to-face major argument with him. Finally had a time to really sit down and talk to him about it. It's just something that happened during our previous break up. An incident that has bothered me for quite awhile. I'm just too understanding to keep it to myself then, felt stupid but glad we had a chance to talk things out today. Not a very fluent one cause i cant handle the emotions that ran through me. I even banged the kitchen table (OMG, what's wrong with me). Im still upset about everything. Never cried so hard, trying to bear the tears and not looking into his eyes. Wanted his hands off me cause i really hated him.
Yet.. after the discussion (or argument), i was still not able to forgive him. What i found out was far more than what i expected. Still cant get over how stupid he can be or maybe he's just acting like one stupid fellow without his 7th sense that time. It's stupid with his denial. Stupid to have not known cause its too obvious. I will never be able to trust him like before. And her. She no longer can be the friend i can really talk to, so uneasy with her cause i know she aint an easy one. Not badmouthing now, just needa talk it here cause nobody will read it here. He's the one i thought (THOUGHT) was really somewhere near to perfect from what he claimed he was. Non-friendly to lads or he's not good at making friends, or getting near to girls. Just too naive to have those thoughts. Everything changed after that one day when things just go so wrong. Never was an easy task for me to collect all those bad feelings and to not cry and make things bad that day. To forgive, was an even bigger accomplishment to me. Now to think of it, i think i was amazing then and i hope i can be as forgiving as well, or just understanding, at least I'm sufferring alone again inside. Always lonely sometimes right. Everytime i think about this incident, i lose control about everything, my emotions and the kind me. I was not able to be the brightful me in front any others, forget about talking to my friends through phone. Whatever i do, its just way too depressing for me to handle. Nothing of this sort has happened to me throughout my life. I was so strong, and so hard to let loose of my emotions in front of others. Where has that natural smile on me gone to? It was a smile that made me who i am. A smile which everybody likes. A ready smile on me forever. It was gone, thanks to this.
Im not happy and satisfied with all the bad changes. The main problem WAS her, and till now, sometimes her. She's just not right. The usual kind i know whom is a ___. Rare for me to call someone like that and i know i sound all evil but just let me rant. Nevertheless, still regard her as a friend. Just hope she has her own limits from now on, to him or even to other boys. If not one day when i know certain things about her ____ behavior again, i might just blow. Her actions never seemed to be right. Too much it made me felt disgusted. I mean come on, hey, i know youve got some looks and body but thats not right trying to seek attention. You think its cool and sweet having guys sent you home or having their attention on you? Jokes. No my friend. The problem is: What is your intention calling up him to tell him about your health? Getting some little pity from him? Attention? And yet, J was too blind to see (or just pretend). I never believe that there aint some emotions running through their heads when all of it happened. Why. J, you didnt even inform me about it. Who was i to you. This incident always creates doubts in me for you. Something that you can never explained yourself. And something i will never find an answer to fix with. Yes, im tearing again cause i dont know how to feel anymore.Every time you explain yourself, the more questions i will have. Just, i kept it in again. Yes. Im sorry but i think its no point asking you more and more. Cause youre going crazy and tired answering me and im just afraid you might go mad and dislike me. This incident will never be an easy thing for my acceptance and forgiveness, Im sorry Lord. Maybe you can give me some more strength and wisdom. For now, just until the day i got over it, allow me to cry sometimes to sleep and maybe let time heal me. It still feels like.. cheated i guess? Forgive me for these thoughts, i really need to get myself back. Lord, what if i can never accept and forgive them? Does it mean its best that i leave? At least it means i have no more rights to care and get hurt. But what if he was the guy meant for me and the guy i can never really stop loving? So much to think and feel.. Feeling so lost..
